A BETTER VERSION OF MYSELF
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
01–04–2023
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
It feels good to be here again. I feel like life has been full of noise the past 3 or 4 months. I've been drowning it out with whiskey, unnecessary relationships, and pointless conversations. Saturday nights were fulfilling, but I found myself getting to the end of my weeks in an aimless heap. Drained of any passion or excitement. Hence the drinking. I couldn't hold much of a conversation without alcohol. But even when I got piss drunk, I wasn't a better version of myself. I was still stressed, cold, and anxious. And lost.
I started 75 hard to get control of my life again. I felt like I was just losing myself. I would hang around with new people, and feel like I was searching for some root to my own identity. Like, when you meet someone new that has a beautiful, vibrant personality. And you find yourself wondering where yours went. I know I used to be lighthearted. Loving. Fearless. But trauma and broken relationships over the past couple years has left me a bit dry. I'm still 100% myself. But my unconscious self guards like 30% of that from the world. Saving a bit of me just in case something happens that sends me into a spiral. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess, in simple terms, I feel guarded. Yet, some part of me still feels 16. Excited to go to the skatepark with [REDACTED] next Saturday. I haven't lost that part of me.
I've found that the past three days have been more focussed. More disciplined. When you have a challenge you're pursuing (Beyond the challenge of life itself), it forces you to really hone in on your time. There's no room for bullshit. I feel more fearless. Like nothing else that happens in the day to day is going to be as ruthless and painful as what I have prepared for myself already.
Today I boxed in the rain. I pictured myself beating the shit out of [REDACTED].
We launched thoughts and ideas on Sunday. Horrible day to launch a brand. I severely underestimated how badly I would be hungover. It was a fun night though.
The launch challenged me. I expected to sell out in 5 minutes. Maybe less. I guess I thought that all of the followers and subscribers would directly correlate to a purchase. But fuck, it's hard to get people to buy something man. Especially something nice and expensive. I'm learning more about discipline than ever.
Part of me wanted to just say fuck it and pursue another project because we didn't sell out immediately. Honestly, it was a huge success still. We're 3/4 sold out in three days. We've made enough profit to begin production on Cargo_Pant_002. I'm happy that this is mine. I've put so much work into this brand. I owe it to myself to give it to me. Not a shitty brand owner. This is my brain child. I'm happy to have something to put my creative effort into. I edited everything myself. I feel so proud of how my creative has grown. I feel so in touch with the direction. I'm no longer in my head. I'm able to make something out of nothing. That feels special.
I'm going to try and journal everyday and track my mental progress during this challenge.