︎


LEAVING THE CAMPSITE


Journal Entry

THOUGHTS™
01–21–2024

︎ Writer: Stew Caldo







I remember what it used to feel like.


The high of it all. Moving forward. Feeling success. Experiencing something new everyday.


I couldn't contain myself. I was so full of energy. I was 19 then. But still, I remember the feeling different than now.


I remember being excited for what each new day would bring. And how the weekends almost felt like the weekdays. I wanted so badly to do more.


I feel like I've lost that feeling with what I'm doing now. That maybe it's time to [REDACTED].


The important thing is: I can always return back to this time. We forget that so often. I always feel that when I move my campsite, there's no going back to what it once was.


I do. I'm a doer. I do more than I think. It's a curse, and a blessing. But when I stop doing, it becomes solely a curse. And right now, I've stopped doing. I'm only receiving what inevitably comes my way each day.


And, I'm not saying I need to grab for things out of my reach. And force life to move forward. But there's a time to receive passively, and there's a time to switch your position to find more to receive.


I keep thinking back to that day in trona. When I decided to move campsites. I was so scared to take that step. That step being:


  • Take down the trailer legs
  • Re-Lock the hitch
  • Load up the grill
  • Fold up the camping gear


And then head somewhere else. Someplace unknown. And risk this spot being taken by someone else. It's funny to worry about a 200 sq ft parcel of dirt when you're standing on thousands of acres of free land as far as the eye can see. Protecting it with all of your soul, not even realizing what's out there for you.


I'm sure this wouldn't make as much sense to anyone else. But to me, it does. I have a scarcity complex. A fear that it'll all go away. That one day the blessings will stop. And my knowledge will run dry. And my perseverance alone won't be enough. As if it's all on a ticking time bomb. As if I'm in one of those money tornadoes at a kids birthday party, and once they stop the wind all the money will disappear for good.


It's time to explore like a child. Without ties. I owe that to myself. I've spent the past 5 years doing this all for my [REDACTED]. And for [REDACTED]. And for [REDACTED]. To be a protector if they should need it. To help them financially if they should need it. I want to do something for myself now.


I haven't made any decision, other than to live like my life might be ending soon. To enjoy what I do.


[REDACTED].