MENTAL CHECK

Journal Entry

THOUGHTS™

03–20–2022

︎ Writer: Stew Caldo




I haven't done one of these since I finished reading atomic habits last year. I think there was a lot to learn there, but I feel like there was some necessity in the way I used to do things as well.


In terms of a mental check in, I guess I'm very well. I'm a bit apathetic right now. I think this comes with the territory – when I'm moving well through life and good things are happening, I have trouble really enjoying them. I'm constantly thinking of my next move. Of the next high. I let myself enjoy the new office all of 10 minutes before I had already began plotting what I would do next. What furniture I'd buy, how I'd paint the floors, or what new construction builds I may have planned.


I gave myself a small moment when I texted mom a photo of the desks. So many computers and desks. Yet it all feels so small to me. I send a pic to a few friends for that reassurance. "You've built something so incredible!" – "Look at what you've done!" – "I'm so fucking proud of you!". But I don't let any of it really sink in. In my head, it's never enough. And I guess that's a blessing and a curse. I'm permanently motivated in life to keep striving and reaching the next milestone. But I'm constantly on the verge of burnout.


This new office is huge. It's a milestone. An achievement. The number may feel small to me, it all might. And that's okay. As long as it's written down – I understand that I've done good.


I need to get some fucking tea. No, what I need to do is clean out my fucking french press so I can actually use it again and stop buying tea out. Waste of money. Be right back.


Yeah, that's a fucking waste of money. But damn, it's nice to have a cafe right below my office.