ADDICTION AND FEAR OF HEALING

Journal Entry

THOUGHTS™️

03–30–2021

︎ Writer: Stew Caldo



I started last week in therapy by telling [REDACTED] that I wanted her to lead – I added "I really don't have much to talk about, so you can just handle things today!". She sat back for a moment before retorting "I think I'll let you lead", with a wry smile on her face.


I was taken aback and not really sure how to handle it. For the majority of our therapy, I had felt in control of what changes were happening. But when she shot back, I realized that I hadn't wanted her to lead for the sake of not having conversation – it was a response to my anxiety that day.


I had noticed the day leading up to this therapy session, I had been on my phone more than usual. I was more tired, therefore woke up extremely sluggish and dead inside. It's a common cycle for me – Have a tough day at work, cope by being on my phone every waking moment, experience mental fatigue by 4PM because my mind can't even begin to process all the shit I'm scrolling through, and finally go home and sit in front of a new screen until I fall asleep. It's vicious and addictive.


I brought this up to her. After 30 - 40 minutes of bullshitting, I conceited that I'm on my phone too much. That it's almost like a "nervous tick" of sorts. I can't even talk to people if I'm not holding my phone in my hand the entire time - almost as if it's a floatation device that'll save me from drowning in a sea of awkward conversations with new people.


Then, I briefly mentioned another nervous tick - the need to drink all the time. Not alcohol, just water or coffee or anything socially acceptable in any environment. I glazed over this bit of information quickly with [REDACTED] , but she soon came back to it - adding in the phone problem as well. I solely saw the phone as a problem, but even still, I hadn't thought it needed to be the focus of the days session. But she mentioned them, as if they were the biggest problems we needed to deal with.


I noticed myself getting aggressive, or defensive rather. I don't know why, but something about her bringing up these nervous ticks in a negative light embarrassed me. She noticed this, as did I. She told me that this reaction proved I was using these coping mechanisms to hide something. Something dark, that hasn't seen the light of day, much less my own conscious understanding.


At the end of the session, [REDACTED]  gave me homework. She told me to write down everytime that I wanted to pick up my phone, and note how I felt in that moment. Within the first day I realized what was happening – I was using my phone to silence the moments in life that I hated. The ones that made me sad, angry, anxious, even depressed. I saw the progression of this degrading habit in real time. I understood how it began as something as small as watching vines before bed, but throughout quarantine and scaling a business became a way to mute my entire life. I hadn't seen it before, but almost every waking moment was spent on my phone.


This week was one of the best weeks I've had in the past two years, and my screen time is down 30%.


Get off your phone, write down the moment you're aching to be on it, and figure out why you're doing it.