TRUTHS I KNOW

Journal Entry


THOUGHTS™

09–14–2023

︎ Writer: Stew Caldo




Truths I know.


I like having my back against a wall. Not metaphorically.


I don't like when I can't see behind me.


I hoard serotonin. It's called "squirelling serotonin". I like to control my happiness. It's in the small details. Like where I sit at a dinner party. I need the most conversation. Or what liquor I drink. Is it a whiskey or wine night. All of those small details are important to the amount of serotonin I'll receive.


I need a perfect environment for each activity. Relaxation. Work. Play. I need control of each. I need my touch on each. For relaxation — I need silence. Ear plugs and eye mask. For work, I need an ergonomic chair. A beverage (coffee, tea, juice). I need fast internet. I need a fast computer. Without those things I crumble. For play, I need space. Freedom to move. My environment is key to everything.


I can't love others until I've loved myself. If I haven't had my solo time. Time to journal. Time to read. Time to process. I can't love anyone. I'm not capable of remembering names, moments with friends, anything that creates relationship. I become a shell. I can't leave the house with a messy room.


I can't focus when there's work to be done. My mind is constantly front loading. All I can think about is the work to come.


I try to be a morning person, but I'm not sure I am.