SHORT FILMS AND PANIC ATTACKS
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
06–20–2022
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
Well shit. I finished the short film production.
With no second to spare in fact.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I questioned myself more than ever before. I was humbled. My confidence and leadership was challenged. I threw up. Saturday morning I had a panic attack. My heart was racing at 3AM – I could barely breathe. My stomach flipped inside out. I tossed and turned for hours, then as the sun rose I sat down at the base of the toilet and threw up again. Then cried. Mostly from the throwing up and gag reflex forcing tears out. But I cried nonetheless.
This project had more purpose than anything I’ve made before. Because I wasn't the only one who cried. [REDACTED] cried, as they shared their story. I think someone else cried hearing it. The stories shared will impact lives, and already lifted weight off those who got to share them – some for the first time.
It takes more than just one person to make something worth doing. It takes a team. Sometimes a lot of money. Always a fear of failure looming. I can't imagine how I did this. I can't imagine how my team did this. They brought every bit of effort I did and always matched the energy. I feel that my shoulders alone had to bear the weight of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being enough. Fear of not doing what I said I'd do. Fear of letting people down.
But I didn't. I made it.
Lately, I've struggled with purpose. But this changed things. I don't know if I was good at what I did, but I did it.
I constantly feel that I'm not enough. That my work isn't enough. Maybe that's a pessimistic way to see it. A better sentence would be "I could be better". Everything I do or try, I want to be the best at. If I see anyone doing something better, I stop loving my work and what I've done. I no longer feel accomplished, because I look at how they've done it better.
But the more I analyze this, the more impossible the task feels. I think I set myself up to be let down.
I want to be the best at everything. And I do so much. I run an agency. I constantly keep personal socials growing and moving online. I do creative shoots with Phi. I design and decorate my spaces. I put care and effort into a wardrobe. I do all of this, but I want to do all of it the best. Better than anyone else. It feels obligatory. But not all of it matters. The fashion stuff can go on the back burner. I'm not changing anyones lives with outfits.
But then, that's all people want to see?
I should be journaling about Wild Willy's.
I looked at [REDACTED] portfolio. They've grown so much. I'm so incredibly proud and inspired by them always. Why am I not doing that?