HEADSTRONG

Journal Entry

THOUGHTS™

06–26–2022

︎ Writer: Stew Caldo






I'm not sure where my mind has been lately, but I've been writing less and less. I'm getting lost in each week. Quickly losing perspective – but regaining it in times of crisis. I am surviving right now. Getting by. Taking breaths when I can.


I'm not depressed anymore. I've been thinking about it a bit differently. Well, I don't know if I should acknowledge that I was depressed last month. I mean, maybe I was.


Life is just constantly being fisted in the ass and learning to tolerate it.


The thing I've been thinking about differently is failure. Mistakes. Pain. Problems. I've began to look at it as a sign from God. That he's putting obstacles in my path to make me consider a different direction.


I've gotten so headstrong about pushing through every problem without considering why there's so much pain and struggling. Without asking myself if this is really the path that God planned for me.


That's what's been different. Accepting failure or problems as a sign that God has a better plan for me elsewhere. It doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to fight for whatever I want, unfortunately. I don't think that reasoning allows me to sit idly by for my purpose to fall into my lap. I wish it were that easy.


I'm really scared of what's ahead of me right now.


I feel so emotionally drained. Mentally burnt out. I just feel absent most the time. I don't have the same passion and confidence I did two years ago. I don't feel invincible anymore.


I think all I could ask for is [REDACTED] more perspective on the end game here. I have a whole team to lead, a partner to keep strong, friends and family that need me to be present. I can't do this much longer without a glimpse of what's to come.