LOST LETTERS

Journal Entry

THOUGHTS™

08–14–2022

︎ Writer: Stew Caldo





I feel like a piece of me is missing. Maybe this is just how I've felt every summer though.


There's this incessant need to constantly be doing. And I feel like I have little to no connection with myself. Sometimes, I catch it. Like when I'm at a party or an event with friends. And I notice my conversation isn't how I would want it to be. It's not what I really want to say or talk about. I feel like my soul has flatlined.


On a positive note, I have been having fun lately. I feel like I've been slowly digging out of the rut. Creatively speaking. And in work. I feel confident in who I am and what I'm doing. That confidence is everything to me. I've always wanted it.


I'm ready to start thoughts and ideas. I've been flowing with concepts so well and freely starting them. There's nothing else I'd rather put my money into right now. It's exciting and –


I hate the way I've journaled lately. It doesn't feel true to myself like it used to be. I used to write letters to myself. And then letters to God. But, God, I don't know if you're listening anymore. It feels harder and harder to write to you as I see more of what life has to offer. It's just such a dark city, with dark people. I wrote last year that it's not LA that's dark, it's me. And that was half true. I was in a dark place. But LA is dark. It's hopeless. It's selfish and meaningless. This city is awful most the time.


I'm sorry for ranting. I am grateful for a lot.


I'm grateful for the financial freedom to pursue any of my ideas
I'm grateful for this home. The safety it provides. The space for friends to come together.
I'm grateful for my platform. The leadership I get to have.
I'm grateful for my dog and Phi.
I'm grateful for food.
I'm grateful for clothes.
I'm grateful for all the basic necessities I have.
I'm grateful for the beach today. The sunshine. I want to drink juice out in the sun.


[REDACTED], I just want to find myself again.


Please.