GROWING UNDER PRESSURE
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
09–01–2022
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
0700 – Santorini, Greece
Something about this date doesn't feel real. Odd way to start my day I guess; just deciding that a date isn't existing while I'm living in it.
Something about waking up in a foreign country is so disorienting. They do say that jet lag can last up to 2 weeks.
I just made a nespresso. I miss that. I used to have one. Lately, I've rediscovered my love for coffee. Tea just isn't the same. Funny how just the smell of coffee can inform your body that it's time to shit.
I can feel myself getting older and maturing. It's happened at the end of this recent depression spell of the past 4 months or so. 2022 has been tough on me mentally. I've carried a lot of guilt for things that are just a natural part of growth. Guilting myself for not creating fast enough. Or not moving my business forward like I thought I would. I've felt defeated day after day. And in turn, I've pushed myself even harder. I've pushed myself to work harder – I need to come back to this though. There's something here but I'm not fully awake yet and I'm not giving it a proper thought. I'll be right back.
Okay, I'm awake now. I think.
Going back to my last train of thought; 2022 was tough on my soul as well. I just pressed myself so hard, forcing growth that wasn't ready to happen yet. I met myself with anger and frustration, wishing my mind had progressed differently. I compared myself to others, or rather, compared myself to an idealistic view of who I thought I could be. I worked without purpose, I grew under pressure, and became something I didn't truly love. My team suffered because of it, my relationship took a few hits here and there, and my friendships planted roots in the wrong places.
Something clicked in me two months ago. A few words and conversations really mattered in this change:
[REDACTED] told me to be more childlike in my approach to everything. Adults love to adulterate creativity and purpose. They're great at forcing things into place. A child, when solving a puzzle, lightly presses each piece until there's a match. There is no race or competition in their eyes – it's not about getting to the end fastest, it's about learning the crude edges and cut outs of each piece. He taught me not to do things for money or success. To do things out of sheer curiosity. Comedy. Because nobody has done it yet. Because it will inspire others. Because it'll make people wonder. He taught me to realign with my purpose; moving culture forward.
[REDACTED] told me to work for myself. It sounds contradictory, being that I own a business already. But the fact is, the way my agency currently runs, I just have multiple bosses to answer to. The fastest way to escape that is to start a brand. The next best thing is to begin shifting those relationships. Letting people know early on that it's a partnership. And if they can't understand that – If their ego won't allow it, leave them in the dust.
[REDACTED] told me to spend more time on the things that make me happy. This past year, I’ve stopped taking on a lot of content projects because they didn't pay enough, or I felt they got in the way of my leadership role at the company. But I've started taking on more low paying content jobs that get me closer to being a director. That challenge me in new ways. That force me to create something new. It's pushed my limits [REDACTED]. It's sometimes made me sick to my stomach; doing something new that put me at risk for failure. But fuck. That's the only place I want to be. On the edge of failure. I've learned that at the edge of failure is growth. Growth parallels success, inadvertently.
0830 – Santorini, Greece
Everyone in the house is waking up. The smell of overdone coffee is filling the room now. Shuffling feet are breaking through my headphones. I want to continue on this subject, and I'm happy for the breakthrough I've been able to watch and understand – but it's getting distracting and may be time for me to wake up.
My biggest takeaway – patience. observation. fun. loving failure. spend more time with the people in this list.