LOSING METHOD
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
09–14–2023
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
In conversation with [REDACTED] last night, I realized something.
My coming-of-age years (19, 20, so on) were filled with non-stop success. I was unstoppable. And that set a tone for the rest of my life that I would never fail. If I had god in my corner, inshallah, I would do anything and everything I ever wanted. And then COVID happened. And then the recession. And the past two years, I've not only felt like it's not possible to do whatever I dream, I've felt that it's pointless to dream.
I've stopped dreaming. Maybe not fully. But I've stopped believing my dreams. I go through motions. It's a combination of things. Age, for one. Your heart, soul, body, mind — they all get weathered. You begin to wonder "what's the point". Why would I go for that unattainable goal, it's just a risk of falling from a higher point.
So it's not that I don't dream. I just don't believe those dreams daily.
I think I look back on my early 20's through a hyper-nostalgic lens though. I mean, I look back constantly as if I'd want to go back. But what's so bad about this? [REDACTED]
I was always cynical. I used fear of failure to push myself through obstacles. I always have.
Past traumas. Growing up "poor". All of that feeds into the way you motivate yourself. It defines "Why" you wake up each morning.
I see it in [REDACTED]. Having that [REDACTED] has just put a clear mirror in front of me. I see all the ways that trauma can define you — through habits, instincts, ways of talking. It might not even feel like trauma that's present. But that's the thing about that stupid fucking word. It's not something that you wear on your chest and people see everyday. Well, maybe for some. But for most, and for me, it sits deep inside. Hidden in a dark part of you that nobody knows exists. And it shows itself in the slightest ways. Almost unidentifiable. The urge to get on your phone during times of deep stress and get on tiktok. The way you argue through a problem with someone you love. The way you eat. The way you spend money. Anything that can possibly become a stressor or trigger point in life will begin to show signs of past traumas.
[REDACTED]?
I need to stop living in fear. Fear of not amounting to anything — or not being this figure I imagined I'd be. There's no lack of time. I am forever. I live without fear, because I have forever to be who I need to be. Or who I want to be. Each decision I make is not based off a cause-and-effect scenario in my head, rather, pure desire.