A LETTER TO GOD
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
10–03–2022
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
God, this has become my only way of talking to you. Writing through a keyboard. Maybe it's because of my trouble focussing or how fast my mind moves. I feel that when I write or type, it slows me down enough to consider my thoughts.
I'm going through a tough time right now. I'm being critical of myself, despite all the work I've done. Despite what you've given me.
I'm feeling a lack of purpose some days. Feeling like I'll just fuck something up. Forgetting that it's necessary to take risks because you'll be there to catch me if I fall. The point of taking risks is to meet you at my lows. Maybe my failures are self-inflicted in an effort to redirect me towards you.
I still remember laying on the floor of the [REDACTED] 7 or 8 years ago. Just talking with you. Arguing more like it. Asking for your plan for me. Confused by why my [REDACTED] didn't love me. Confused by the fact that I was surrounded with all of these kids from happy families with their dads, while mine was in prison ignoring my letters.
I often forget what you did for [REDACTED]. That you gave us that relationship. How you spared me a toxic and problematic home by [REDACTED].
How I wish the same for [REDACTED]. I always envied him when we were kids. That his dad was around. That he picked him up from school. That he played basketball with him. That he took him shopping. I envied him so much.
Now he's all alone. It's so unfair. I wish there was more that I would do. I feel so selfish sitting here, but what could I do?
It's such a clear visual of what my life would've looked like had [REDACTED] been around. He wasn't ready to parent. Maybe he wouldn't have been like [REDACTED], but still. [REDACTED] would've been a horrible influence on me.
I keep forgetting that everything was planned by you. You've come up with the entire story already, it's my job to just listen to you and do the best I can.
I don't know if this is wrong, but I feel like you're my parachute. I take such big risks, because as a child, you always kept me afloat. You never let me fall so hard that I stopped trying to fly. You'll always be that for me. And I'll always feel like a child as long as I follow you. Because I know you're going to keep me from falling too hard.
Help me find my purpose again. Remind me why I'm here. Keep that alive in me. There's so many depending on me to keep going. I know you're using me for a bigger purpose than just some simple projects and client work here and there.
Thank you. Keep talking to me today, somehow.
I'll remind myself to be patient, that you have my back.