MENTAL AGONY AND MORNINGS
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
11–26–2024
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
I have a love / hate relationship with the mental agony that is winter. Every morning I feel I have less of a reason to wake up. The first three hours of my day are painstaking. Wake up. No Coffee. Cold Shower. Walk to gym. Workout for an hour. Come home. Shower, clean the house a bit, make breakfast. I don't know when I started falling out of love with rituals.
Rituals used to be the foundation of my life. Waking up each day and writing. Drinking my tea. I cared so much about all of it. Maybe it was because I had found a slower pace then. I was taking my time. I let the tea cool off on it's own, rather than adding an ice cube or two for it to cool off faster. The tea brews best when you let it go at it's own pace. It's the way nature had intended it to go, I guess.
I rush a lot of my life, so it's no surprise that I'd begin rushing my mornings. The most sacred time, and I'm barreling through it. It's funny, I wake up, and even if my social media is blocked, I touch my phone just to feel something. Scroll through emails I've already read. Shop a bit on SSENSE. Do nothing really. It's like I'm charging up just enough dopamine to be able to get the fuck up and walk out the door.
I think it would feel much better if I woke up earlier and gave myself the time I need to truly wake up. It takes two hours to really wake up. Maybe even long if you add in phone time.
I could wake up at 6AM. Give myself that 10 minutes of half-awakedness with Phi and Jax in bed. On the second snooze, shut the alarm and get up. Put on sweats, go downstairs, start the tea. Maybe take a cold shower. Not sure if that's too intense for me now, but damn if it isn't the best feeling after. I hate standing in the shower when it's still dark out. It's cold in that bathroom. And I can feel the cold water pulsing through the pipes before it hits my skin. That anticipation is the worst.
Let's build this out:
6AM — Wake up (No compromise)
Up on the second snooze
- Start the tea
- Take a cold shower
- Put on sweats
- Go journal on the Togo
- Go to the gym (Or at least a damn walk)
Do not start your day without seeing the sunshine.
God, give me some change in my life. I need something new. Something isn't working in my soul. I think at the depth of it all, I'm not sharing the version of myself that I know. Or the version of myself that I think I know. I'm not sure who I am right now. But I'd like some guidance. Maybe a hint at who I'm supposed to be.