RED CAMPING CHAIR
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
12–15–2023
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
I'm sitting on the roof of my apartment. In my red camping chair. It's kind of like camping.
The i-10 is in front of me. It kind of smells like burnt dog food. Not sure where that's coming from.
There's kind of a droning buzz coming from the cars passing by. It's about 100 yards away from me, so I can't hear any one car in particular. It's all just sort of one loud buzz.
I went for a run today. I stopped to take photos and videos along the way. I needed to get out of the house. I was feeling burnt out. It's one thing to feel burnt out and mistake it for normal despression. It's a whole other feeling when you can put your finger on it and clearly define it as burn out. I guess it's a good feeling. But it takes so much will power to get off the chair, bed, couch or wherever you're sitting. And leave your phone behind. And go do something else. Something that keeps you moving. So fast that you can't think about the thing that's burning you out.
Things that give me this feeling: Dirt bikes, motorcycles, snowboarding, running, trampolines, excessive drinking, chain smoking. In that order I'd say.
I had a thought on my run.
"what a blessing it is to choose our tribulations"
Sometimes life can get too good. So much so that even things that are just a little less good than the other great parts are considered bad.
My burnout is due in part to running thoughts and ideas. While managing the agency. And a team. And having to keep myself inspired in general. All are things I chose. And continue to choose. Because I want them.
The air is so dry out right now. I can feel my nose cracking and bleeding. My eyes are falling out. It's funny how different the cold is here, rather than new york. Or Wyoming even. It's much dryer here. It stings your skin. And eyes. And nose.
I don't blame [REDACTED] for my burn out. But I do feel anger that I've been left to [REDACTED]. I've explained it [REDACTED] in a healthy way. Without yelling or letting emotion overcome me. [REDACTED]. I just wish I had more hands. And more minds on it. I feel alone with it. With most of what I do. I guess that's something [REDACTED] actively chose. Was it better doing things [REDACTED]? Maybe these are just growing pains and I'll figure out how to manage it all and lead a team.
I thought this time would serve as that last week of december reflection. Where I go through and read all my old entries. Categorize them in my head. Read them out loud even. Save the parts I love. Maybe share them.
I don't know if I'm ready to go back and read all of them just yet. Maybe I'll do that in London. It'll be nice to have that alone time. It's nice having this alone time now. Nobody can bother me up here. And I'm out in nature. I guess not nature but I'm outside.
Something that comes to mind for 2024 is doing everything with intentionality and patience. Patience feels like a key virtue to perfection. Reaching for perfection leads to burn out. Let down. Disappointment. Depression. I think reaching for patience is a smarter goal. Staying on the track. When I feel like I'm getting derailed, stop, take inventory of my surroundings, refresh, go again.
I want to build Round Two® to be a leading name in creative. I'm sure some may consider it that already, but I know we're capable of more. I've seen it. It takes patience in every stage of a project. When talking with a new client, asking myself if I love what they make / offer. Does their ethos align with my own. Then, when building a proposal, thinking through who will see this project. How I would react to it. Would it inspire me. That takes time and precision.
Thinking of every question or hole in the plot along the way. But with that comes the need for money. Compensation for my time. For my patience. Claiming my worth from the beginning. Don't take calls with clients that don't align. Their budgets won't either. Don't build proposals for them. Don't give them a thought. And when you find someone like you. With a brand built on a passion economy. Give them all of you. Cancel everything. Thoughts and Ideas can wait. Everything else can wait. Give your all to that project. Because the final 15s edit that gets put into dropbox is your legacy. The day to day choices are so critical to that legacy. And the funny thing is, you don't get to edit that archive. At the end of your life, what's there is there. Every thing you make sits there. Not your favorite pieces. Not the beautiful moments. All of it, just jumbled up on shuffle. Think about this when you take on a new project or venture.
I want to take on a partner who can fund and help organize the manufacturing operations for thoughts and ideas. We have incredible marketing. Great designs. But we need to do it at a more scalable level. I need more [REDACTED] to lead. I need another partner to bounce ideas off of. I need someone who understands the things that I do not.
I need to eat. I'm sitting up here withering away. It feels like.
If I could have anything right now.
Bludsoe's BBQ. Some ribs. Brisket. Burnt ends. Collard greens. A good healthy southern meal.
Maybe a bowl. Some noodles, rice, stir fried with steak and shrimp and veggies.
My wrists hurt from typing too.
I'm losing steam here.
Tomorrow will be better. I'll get it all done. I'll enjoy what I get done. I have no other obligations, other than the things I want to do.
what a blessing it is to choose our tribulations