8AM IN ISLINGTON
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™
12–27–2023
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
It's 8AM in London. I'm in a little flat near Islington. Then sun seems to be struggling to get up this morning. It's not even grey out. It's more of a pitch blue.
The room is freezing. I'm fully clothed but it isn't helping. The space heater is buzzing in the corner. Trying with all of it's might to heat this small room up.
It'll be the new year in 4 days. I'm ready for that usual spiral that happens. Of over performance. Lack of satisfaction. And confidence. But to be quite honest, I'm feeling good.
I brewed a cup of tea. Ginger, lemon, honey. The right blend for this day.
I had drop 003 for thoughts and ideas yesterday. The rush is kind of gone. Or maybe it's because I don't have [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] here to share it with. It was a very successful drop though. Something I would have celebrated last month. But this month feels different. It feels like I have a different metric of success. I'm proud of myself. But it's somewhere deep down. On the surface, I haven't felt the rush of it all. I still feel baseline.
I knew coming out here I'd be taking into consideration what I want to focus on next year. And, the truth is, it's Round Two®. I want to tell more stories. I can still do Thoughts and Ideas at a smaller scale. But I want Round Two® taking the majority of my time. I love creating. Just being here right now without a camera is killing me. There's a direct corelation between Round Two® and my personal creative too.
These are early morning thoughts. Seeds thrown to the soil without consideration of what will grow. I hope to come back to this thought throughout the week and see if the first impulse or gut check was correct. But it usually is.
I think this is the London I romanticized all along. The cold. Bundling up with tea. Journaling by myself, before the world has woken up. The London I experienced in the past wasn't this one. It'll be even better when Phi arrives.
Phi is another thing I wanted to consider. I'm getting married this year. A big decision. A life changing one. I know we're practically married already, but something about this feels different. Not just the "saying" of the word, but all the emotions that come with it. It's like graduating college. Or maybe high-school. I wouldn't know much about the former.
There's a whole new air to our relationship. She's [REDACTED] now — running [REDACTED]. To be able to come back to me at the end of each day with a full heart. I've held some [REDACTED] now for a while but I know it's not her [REDACTED]. That [REDACTED] is my own. Now that the [REDACTED] is over, I can see that clearly.
Waking up this morning I wished she was next to me. She's so warm in the mornings. I think in those moments, when I'm holding her skin to skin — nothing else matters. The mornings are anxious for me typically. She's a small escape for those first 5 minutes.
I'm excited to wake up next to her again. To brush her hair to the side. Wrap my arms around her. Pull the covers up higher. Bury my face into her shoulder.
Phi is that person for me.
And truthfully, when I think of 2023 and all of my silly little goals, none of it really matters without her in the picture. When our relationship is good, and we're both feeling well, life moves on.
Creatively, I'm feeling like I may be plateauing in this season.
I've been getting caught in the rinse and repeat. Especially with [REDACTED]. I'll have 4 projects due the same week, so I'm bound to tie the same bow on each piece. I think I get by because most don't see them as the same bow. One is a double knot. The other is criss-crossed in different directions across the package. But it's all the same red ribbon. Cut from the same fabric. The same idea. Just small changes along the way. I don't think most notice. But I do. I'm not sure if that bothers me for now, but I know it will if I choose to continue.
I want to push the needle for what myself and this team are capable of.
And now the birds are chirping. I guess it's finally morning. At 8:33AM. Everything is slowly coming to life outside. I'm sure if I turned to look out the window, I'd see a family walking. Or an old man going for his coffee. I love it here in Islington. It's quiet. Things move slow. I typically have trouble adjusting, but this pace of life has been a much needed change.
I think something I'm thinking about for next year is the people. The relationships. It's typically all about goals. And things. And achievements. But now, I think about the relationships I'd like to grow deeper in. The things I'd like to say to those people.
I think of [REDACTED]. In so many ways, he is me. But at the same time, he's my polar opposite. The work we've done together these past couple weeks has been eye opening. I've seen what it's like to have somebody match not only my effort, but also knowledge on each subject and project. He cares so much. He cares about the quality of work over the paycheck. I can't say I've ever met someone other than myself that feels that way. I think many say they do. But when it down to the wire. The end of project. The last night, staying up til midnight because the [REDACTED] fucked everything up and you're the only one there to make it right. No, to make it perfect. That's what it feels like to care about the work you do. And all that to say, it's not even a question about who will do it. You know without a shadow of doubt you'll be the one who finishes the little details and makes it perfect. That's [REDACTED]. And that's myself. And it feels nice to find a [REDACTED] who can match that. I have a lot to learn from [REDACTED] this year. From his patience. His kindness. His voice to others. His calculated efforts in approaching new problems. His time on "[REDACTED]" where he sits and thinks before acting. I have a lot to learn from [REDACTED].
I think of Phi. The way she loves others. The way she chooses herself. I don't know how much I need to learn from her because I've barely peaked at the subject of choosing myself. But I know there's always something to take away from her way of life.