Wild Willy’s
ABRIDGED AND EDITED
Journal Entry
THOUGHTS™️
06–31–2021
︎ Writer: Stew Caldo
I came out here searching for some big idea or explanation for life lately, maybe even a new mantra to live by. But maybe life is more than just it’s momentous moments and learnings. Maybe God wants me to just spend some time away from the city and away from my phone to reconnect with myself - even if there’s nothing my inner conscious might have locked away. Maybe it was just for the simple pleasure of not hearing anything but wind flapping against my tent. At times throughout the day, the air was so still, I could nearly hear my heart beat. There’s no walls or objects for sounds to vibrate off of, so there’s almost a deafening silence. The long and silent pounding in my ear drums that never ceases until I cower to nature and allow myself to hear my breath, or even just the cordial sound of my voice saying “Hello”.
The wind has picked up even more. My tent is lodged between miniature boulders that I set in place before I got up into the truck. What else could blow away though? My book sits at the edge of my cot, but it’s giving in to the winds violent tremors. What if I allowed myself to go with that wind. The next gust, I allowed myself to become as light as a feather, and slowly blow away – where would I be carried. Do winds go north? Or Maybe east? North feels right. Carried North, to Utah. Straight through Reno, all the way to – I just realized I don’t know any cities in Utah. Let’s call this fictitious city flowerville. My mind is beginning to escape me now. I almost named my fictitious town “Penis”.
God, stop the wind for a moment please. I want to open my eyes for a moment and give them moisture. It’s so hard to breathe at this altitude, in this dryness. I had to stop and really think about that to process it.
It’s so weird not speaking for this long. I realize just how unimportant my voice is. There’s really no need to hear my own voice as often as I do. I wonder if I talk during the day just to hear my own voice. This climate is so fucking dry, my hands look ridiculous.
There’s something calming in the wind now. It’s like breathing. I can feel the earth breathing. The tent is giving me this theory. The way the flaps go in, then out, then in, then out, then in once more. There was a moment there where the wind stopped entirely. Like the God was holding his breath waiting for what I would write next.
Things just aren’t as important as they seem in the moment. I bolded that. I think that’s my take away from this trip. Even the little things I tripped over yesterday – “Should I leave tonight or tomorrow?”
The things that happen week in and week out at work. Losing a client. Getting into an argument. Not seeing a friend because they bail.
Even the big things – thinking about [REDACTED]. Being [REDACTED] – not even that will be as an important in 5 years. Granted this scenario will completely change the man that I become – in a good way – but it won’t be on my mind all the time. It won’t rule over me entirely.
Wow, I really have become a shell of a man. The sun just came out as I wrote that. That’s the first time I’ve seen it all day.
It’s been gloom and doom for so long and the [REDACTED] sun just came out.
That’s a visual representation of how it feels to let a burden off your shoulders. To get something deep within you off of your chest. I’m not proud of the man I’ve become. I’m so ruled by the mundane day to day, and my ego is terrified of seeing me do well. I think on the surface I want to be happy. But it’s easy to want something at surface level. But no, I make the decision each day to let social media, bad friends, and an unknowing future crumble my life. I’m letting that go.
I need to realize what’s good for me – getting out in nature. I’ve repeatedly written it down, yet I continue to forget. Nature recharges me. Limiting my phone. Stop watching TV. STOP PLAYING XBOX. Unplug it when you get home. Jesus what kind of man have you become. I told myself I would NEVER have a console as an adult, and here I am sulking in the living room everyday after work and playing xbox – in my cave. My cave of fear, lies, self doubt. It’s not about the city. It’s about ME. Yeah that shouldn’t come as such a surprise. But it does.
IT’S NOT THE CITY THAT’S DARK, IT’S ME.
I’m not doing things healthy for my mind – I’m constantly surrounded by screens (for the sake of excusing this instance, I’ll add *screens displaying pointless activity*). I’m never just letting my mind stop. Never just taking a fucking breath and talking to God – asking him “Hey, what’s next?”. It’s always this never ending cycle of dark, mindless activities that suck me deeper into my cave. Jesus – I have so much in front of me. SO FUCKING MUCH. I have a [EDIT: financial stability], a beautiful home, a woman that loves me and takes care of me so well, a career and online status that is going [EDIT: well]. I get noticed in public [EDIT: Frequently]. And more than noticed I should add, people tell me how much I inspire them. It’s insane. And yet, there I am in life with everything I ever asked for just sitting in my dark, lonely little cave. A cave of lies, self doubt, and pity. Pity I guess because I think that I’ve been through such a hard time.
I will never feel sorry for myself again. I create my own outcome. I control my life. If it’s too much for me, I can leave at any fucking moment. But I don’t, because it’s not too hard.